nmdellarocco | Recent Entries

This last year was a 6h Profection year, and my Solar Return was in the 8th house. It was simultaneously the darkest and most transformative year of my 42 years. I was in the goo of a dark house—a house my asc can't see. You see this is where my Venus is and my rising sign cannot see her, nor can it see my Jupiter. So love and my own power is foreign to me. I often won't see it in my own life. I have to overcome this darkness to see the impact I make. I often attribute my own accomplishments to other things, or dumb luck. But that challenge is being faced head on and being proud of myself is something I've recently started working on.

With my 6th house being in Taurus and my Venus, not only were health matters at the forefront—so were my cats and getting their needs as elderly felines taken care of. My mental health was in jeopardy as well. My anxiety was at an all time high, and I finally realized what was causing it. And once I took my fitbit off, my body has healed at an astounding rate. I'm not anxious anymore, and yes I still hurt, but I'm not constantly being reminded that my health isn't where the algorithm says it needs to be. Sometimes technology isn't the best, and sometimes it makes things worse. And, ironically, I've since heard it hurting more people than helping—and that result for me was not unique.

That being said, I was in the depths—covered in the muck and mire. I was gasping for air, sinking in the quicksand and begging anyone or anything for help. But what I needed to do was be still and listen. I needed to listen to my own instinct and intuition. I needed to take the fitbit off. I needed to remove people from my life by letting go of the rope.

You see, there was another rope I needed to grab—one that wouldn't release as soon as I got close to freeing myself. I needed to let people do what they wanted to do, and I did. People are fading out of my life, and it's honestly healing. It shows me who wants to stay and who wants to go. And those who want to go, there is no actual ending—no moment of closure. Instead the moment of closure is when they quit messaging back, or when I quit reaching out because I was always the first one messaging. And, I'm alright with it. I'm at peace with the loss, because it's truly not a loss. It's making space for the people who deserve to be in my life to come in. It's showing me their heart, and that they aren't my person. Which isn't a bad thing, it actually alleviates the need to fight for everything to remain in my life and grow comfortable with change.

One lesson of the year was learning to decipher who deserves to see me in my messy vulnerability and who doesn't. Intimacy of all kinds is important, and I long for that depth of connection—the sacredness of relationship. For example, my best friend is a Scorpio Moon. And My Jupiter is conjunct her moon. Our connection used to be turbulent yes, but as time has gone on, she has seen me at my worst. She has fought for my life on several occasions, and refused to give up on me when her strength, her strong person (me) was in shambles—armor shattered and scattered to the wind. She helped heal a heart she had no hand in breaking. She picked me up time and time again, even if it involved telling me the hard things. There were others, but she was an example. But there is an intimacy to our relationship there hasn't been before, and it showed me what I wanted and needed. I need those close to me I can be vulnerable with. With my 12th house Scorpio Jupiter, sometimes my power is in deciphering who to allow my armor off around and keep it on around everyone else. Sometimes keeping your mouth shut and working in secret is the best thing. It's about knowing when to do it that matters.

However this year, I am back in the sun in a 7th house profection year. My Time Lord is Mercury, and things are going to speed up exponentially when you combine it with a 5th house Solar Return. Pluto also aspects everything in my chart, so this next year is going to be just as transformative, and I imagine some good things will be coming my way.

But I will admit that the sun is blinding, it's bright. I feel my flayed skin burning as it tries to acclimatize to the light for the first time in 6 years. I feel much like a nuclear apocalypse survivor finally peeking their head out of their shelter to see if danger has passed. After the hellfire cleansing of my 5th house profection year, I have sensitive nerves. Mars burned everything that wasn't mine away, and Venus helped me love myself to release what was remaining to be released. I feel I'm ready for this 7th house year. And while I feel like certain things will happen this year, I'm going to keep them to myself and see how it plays out. Because the Universe has it's own plan, and sometimes when you hold too tightly to an outcome, something even better can't come in and what you thought you wanted isn't what you actually wanted.

Until next time
~NMD

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Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Tool - Lateralus

The 12th house is many things. But one thing is that it's the house of self undoing. This can be many things, but here's a few of my thoughts on it as someone who walks the 12th house path and whose power resides within that path.

For a quick reference, my 12th house contains Scorpio and my Jupiter is at 1 degree Scorpio directly opposite my Venus in Taurus.

My first thought is that I often put myself into a glass prison. I can't see this prison until my eyes are opened to it. Sometimes this takes months, sometimes it takes decades. And I do it with ease. I feel like my art has to be X way, or that I cant do X because Y and A have to happen. I can't not be understanding about something because they have it worse than me. Or that I can't do something because I'm not good enough. Fear is something I battle religiously. And what does fear like to do to you? That's right, it likes to make you self-sabotage or self undo. You literally get in your own way. It will keep you from your greatest blessings until YOU decide to move forward.

And here's the thing, fear will keep you in a headspace no one wants to be in. It will keep you small, unwilling to step into the spotlight and be seen. And Fear has kept me in that headspace for many many years.

For example, I recieved something as a gift last year and I was beyond grateful for it. I have used it every day, and it's been a great blessing. But somewhere along the way it became a glass prison. I was constantly checking it, worry and anxiety crept in anytime anyone even asked about it if I had forgotten I had it on me. My whole world revolved around it, and that was blinded to me. I didn't realize it until I took a second and evaluated when my anxiety would start, or when it became almost constant.

Now keep in mind, this item has brought great help and it was given with pure intentions. But I realized today it was time to release it. To take it off and release myself from the glass prison. I'm giving myself time to adjust, but once I had the bravery to take it off, it was like I had a mountain lifted off me. I could breathe. I even left the house without it and my gosh it was the most liberating feeling. And I set a boundary between me and my anxiety. I wouldn't give the anxiety even a foothold in the sanctuary of my mind by keeping that item on me. I could not be anymore proud of myself in this moment either.

Which brings me to my next point.

With the 12th house being the house of self-undoing—this can also refer to undoing yourself aka, transformation. Especially with my 12th house being in Scorpio—the sign of deep and profound transformation.

My power—Jupiter—is within my transformation. Even though that power is hidden from me. I liken this placement to a Phoenix—a mythical creature I have been obsessed with since childhood. This Jupiter/Sun Cazimi and Uranus/Venus conjunction both in Taurus have been placing immense pressure on me to transform as it's been in a whole house opposition to my Jupiter and in the same house as my Venus.

So what I did today was I broke, I transformed in what can be a beautiful way because I freed myself from the prison I'd placed myself in. I transformed into someone who was wholly confident in themselves, their health, and ability to push the anxiety back and tell it "No, you are not welcome here, leave." I reached down into my deeply stubborn nature and chose myself. And, I'll continue to choose myself throughout this journey. Because of my 12th/6th house axis placements, along with my rising sign's nature, I will NOT change unless I want to change—for whatever reason. And because of that, the universe will place me under pressure—even almost to the point of unaliving me to force the change that needs to happen. I have a deep and sacred will that refuses to bend unless I want it to. Which is good, but I'm also being asked to soften that stance. To hold that stance within my heart, but to soften to the energies that be and release to go with the flow of that deep Scorpio energy.

Which is what I want to do, and today was a huge step forward. But I plan to transform and re-create myself as many times as I need to get to where I want to go. As the song Rise by 10 Years says "out of the darkness, step into the light." And that's what I'm doing.

Sure my power still lies within my transformation, within my keeping circle tight and keeping my energy a privilege to access. But it also lies within the beauty that comes after that transformation. It lies within keeping my inner world and secrets under lock and mental boundaries between me and the demons I carry within my mind.

As a 12th houser, my mind will always be my largest battlefield. And perhaps one day more than a few people will be able to traverse the darkness that covers it—but until the day comes, I will continue to transform into my best self. I will continue to keep the subconscious under lock and key so I can heal. Not in the sense that I won't connect to that part of me, but in the sense that I will be discerning as to what I allow into my life to influence it rather than letting all of it run amuck.

And I encourage you to do the same thing. Having a 12th house placement is hard, but if you go with the transformations rather than fight them, you might find that you have a purpose so far outside of yourself that you never knew of.

As for me, I will step into my midheaven's purpose of healing people. And now I can say I am genuinely looking forward to it. I will burn myself to the ground as many times as it takes to get there.

Current Music: 10 Years - Rise

My Sun and Mercury are Cazimi in Gemini and there's so many thoughts in my head I can't keep track of them all. I don't even try anymore. But one that keeps coming back is about my nightly anxiety. A friend called it Sundown Anxiety. Which is true. When I'm left all alone with myself and my thoughts, it's a haunting place filled with ghosts of the past who insist upon floating about the fringes of my subconscious.

Now don't get me wrong. I love solitude. The night time used to be a truly peace filled place for me. A time where I could breathe and flow with the currents of the universe without the noise and chatter of humanity. I love doing my own thing while in a house full of people, or with a partner. But my Libra moon doesn't appreciate or love the fact that I am truly on my own now. For the first time in my life, I am my own family. That's not to say I don't have my parents, or brother. That I don't have my chosen family. But for the last 17 years I've had someone I thought I could count on. And now I don't, and for the longest time after he passed, it felt like my nervous system was hemorrhaging into the abyss never to heal again.

My natal chart is about healing other people. About writing and magic, and guiding those around me to healing in a subtle way they likely will never know about. I see it every day, and I often wonder when it's my turn to experience the magic I bring to others. That's not to say I don't have certain people in my life who build me up. I don't want to ignore them or discredit what they do. But the magic of having a partner who really sees me for me, without judgement and holds space for my spirituality and I for them is something I long to experience.

I have an 11th house Libra Moon. She is in the house of hopes and dreams, groups, friends and networks, conjunct Saturn and Pluto, and in a whole house stellium with Mars as well, and opposite my part of fortune exactly. I won't lie, it's a lonely existence. I crave connection and openness, but I'm also tired and afraid of being hurt again and again. I'm often not listened to. Even today, I had a cashier overcharge me after not listening to me. I'm talked over, ignored, and that's why I often simply allow my voice to be silenced in large groups unless I'm comfortable with them. Which since I often feel like a conversation ender, is few and far between.

I'm not whining, simply telling the truth as I've experienced it. And this is where the Lesson I think comes in. Libra loves love, magic, music, beauty, making beautiful things, connection, words. And I've often heard a Libra Moon has a magic tongue and golden words. We are soft creatures who want everyone in our lives to be happy. We want reciprocity and in a self sufficiency driven world that's something often not given. Which honestly is sad, because humans are pack creatures. We are meant to be in groups. We are meant to help each other and breathe life into one another via validation, support, encouragement, etc. Obviously you have to keep the dependency in check, but to be solely self sufficient is a toxic thing. That's why hyper independence is a bad thing.

And I think part of the lesson to learn is who is worthy of sharing that magic with. Which on several key occasions I've allowed my mind to overtake my moon and cause me to misjudge the situation through rose colored glasses, resulting in my continuous shattering. I accept my responsibility in that. My Libra Moon wanted to believe the best in someone instead of the reality of the situation, and when combined with my Taurus Venus resulted in believing that best instead of what they showed me. Which I've since learned that you should believe what someone shows you they are instead of what they say they are. But I digress.

I've been through so much in my life at almost 42 that I often wonder how I've survived it all. And to be a little vulnerable here, one of my first memories is at my grandfathers funeral. And since then I've been to my brother's funeral, husband's funeral, the funeral of all my grandparents and several cousins/aunts/uncles, 3 of my former grandparent in laws funerals, and many many others. I loathe funerals. Sometimes I feel like everything I touch dies, which isn't the case, but to say I'm a bright and shining child of Hades sent to heal the death workers and grieving wouldn't be untrue. I have an 8h North Node. Of course death and transformation is something I need to learn to get comfortable with.

But it's something that will be hard for my Libra Moon. I crave balance and peace. Which at this point my mind perceives peace as a threat—a danger beyond my comprehension and when I'm alone at night the worst will happen because it's happened twice before. That peace was shattered into dust by other people during a time I cultivated to be a time of peace and comfort. And I have to resolve that I couldn't control that shattering and not allow it to continue to shatter my peace every night.

Sometimes I'm alright, and sometimes I'm not. And that's okay. One thing that Libra Moon isn't afraid of is doing the hard work to strike a balance in the scales. It even hails to a tattoo I have that reminds me that it takes courage to make the hard decisions in life. That I am a warrior within my own life, fighting to heal, fighting to not propagate what I went through. Right now I do have peace for the most part, and I've build that peace with my own hands and hard work. To be honest, this journal was a way to regain some amount of structure within the confines of the chaos.

And yet, one thing in that fight that needs to happen is to understand that despite my Moon's craving for fairness, balance, and justice is that I can't control what happens TO me. I can only control what goes on within my own heart, and I want so desperately to release control. And yet, Control kept me safe. Control kept me some what self contained during years and years of struggle. Control kept me safe within the chaos I lived in for many years. But I have to trust the process, to let the fingernails holding to the control break so I can freefall into the blessings I'm sure the Universe has in store for me. And I am, but at night it's hard to experience the soulful peace I used to.

A Libra Moon is a thing of beauty when cultivated properly. But when harmed, it's shattered beyond comprehension and oftentimes takes gentle hands of those around them to help pick them up. Yes, I am strong enough to do it myself, but knowing I have people who believe in me, and people who say "You've got this" mean so much more to me than I'll be able to express. We are the Moons who often forget to celebrate ourselves. So to learn to receive the celebration we so freely give is a thing of beauty.

That being said, if you have a Libra Moon friend, check after them completely unprompted. Surprise them with a thank you, or some sort of words of affirmation. Maybe even an act of service. I know as a Libra Moon, I tear up every single time someone sends me a thank you or kind message to wake up to. It means so much more than we'll ever express. Lonely is torture to a Libra Moon. By reaching out, you're showing us that you are a safe place to come. Chances are, your Libra Moon friend is the sunshine character who if you touched even a fraction of their pain, you'd crumple under. And yet they possess a quiet strength that keeps it all together for the sake of everyone around them.

I remember at my husband's memorial service, I had no less than 6 panic attacks—all of which I excused myself for and refused to allow guests to see. And yet, I kept it together and was openly ridiculed and criticized for it, because I knew my direct in-laws needed me strong. That if the depth of my grief was shown throughout the whole service, that they would crumple as well. Perhaps that is a selfish way of thinking of it, but it's what I felt at the time. No one saw my grief until the end, when I felt safe enough to collapse in a pile of soul rending sobs and wails without a huge audience of extended family that glared and sneered at me through the whole service thinking I didn't see it. But I did. And I count myself fortunate to have had several people around me at the time to catch me. I'll be forever grateful for the space they held for me to finally express my grief, allowing me a moment's reprieve from the mask.

If you want to get to know a Libra Moon, create peace around us. Let our hearts know that we are safe to open up—that we don't have to keep the facade of stoic strength up. Give back to us in a fashion that you see us give, for example for me it's acts of service. And we'll open up to you much like the moonflower only blooms under the rays of the moon. When we do, you'll discover depths you never though an air sign moon capable of. So be gentle with us and use kid gloves. And we'll weave magic into your life that you never new existed.

~NMD

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https://abssolutealchemy.com

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

I'm a Sagittarius Rising.

That puts my 12h in Scorpio and because of my birth date, my 12h contains my Jupiter which is retrograde in my natal chart.

As many of you who are into astrology know, the 12th house is the house of self-undoing, hidden enemies, and secrets. These are among many other things, but right now I am currently focusing on those.

Jupiter is expansion, luck, long distance, travel, learning, among many other things. But today I am going to focus on the luck factor of him.

Over the last two years, and especially in the last 2 months, I've been healing at an incredible rate—often in the background. Quite a few times, I have had realizations wash over me that I randomly were given, and that I have no idea where they came from. There have been many times as well that things turned out okay in the wash, and I have no idea how. And, all I can be is grateful.

Let's return to Winter 2022-2023 when I was settling my late husband's estate. There was minimal accounts to settle, and even the accounts without my name on them were resolved in a fashion that made it to where I did not have to go to probate court at all. I genuinely thought I would have to go to probate and lose a ton of money. But no. The Universe shone down upon me and I was able to have everything settled, including the house sale, by May 26. This was also the time where I had to figure out how to do my taxes again after 1.5 decades of not having to be the one to do them. I was able to grieve in a manner that was good to me, as well as work on reducing the panic attacks that were hitting often 6-7 times a day.

After that, I had to figure out how to pay for debt he left behind, as well as a car note that I was not prepared to take on. And somehow I have had money for every single payment without question. I thought I needed a job, so I went and walked in and got one easily. Granted, I ended up quitting it after seeing the writing on the wall for treatment of employees, but I made friends. I learned how to exit my shell, and how I wanted to show up in this world. So it was very healing for me.

All through this process, I was still working on my art business, and somehow I didn't lose it. Those that loved me stuck around, and they supported me without question as I navigated my new normal from going from what I thought was happily married, looking down the barrel at divorce, then thrust into the bends of being a widow. But at every turn I was supported. I was even given guidance about what to do and how to tie things up, and I will forever be grateful for that document I was given by a family friend.

Even today, I discovered important information had been leaked and I was able to take every precaution to prevent anything from ever coming of it. And now I am more protected than ever. It feels really good too. I'm proud of me because before it was something I wouldn't fight—instead simply hoping it would go away. Which isn't fair to me.

So here are my thoughts.

Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter. He is an incredibly benefic planet that takes care of his own. I do believe Sagittarius risings often don't realize how lucky they are as Jupiter often works behind the scenes to protect his people.

My Jupiter is retrograde in the 12th house of Scorpio. Scorpio is an extremely secretive sign. And it makes hidden things even harder to see. Secrets are stuffed down further—so much so that my mind often compartmentalizes it and I completely forget about it until it's relevant again.

I firmly believe that my 12th house genuinely blinds me to my luck, and that it isn't until I sit down and look at the gravity of the situations I've survived that I see it. Because every single example I provided could have wound up far worse than they did. I wasn't ruined. In fact, I got away from all of it relatively in tact given everything that happened—dare I say better than I was before in certain situations (i.e. - business).

And now I'm healing at a profoundly quick pace. Right now he is in the same house as my 6h Taurus Venus who normally he is opposing. And I believe she is involved in that fog as well. Her effects are shrouded by their opposition. So I won't see the self love I am giving myself until I see it manifest physically in this realm.

Jupiter is currently transiting my 6h until May 25. The 6th house rules the every day, routine, health, and other things. He is a healing planet and has been aiding me in healing my heart, my health, mental health, and many other things. Even recently I've started changing eating habits, drinking more water, walking, and getting things under control. I've been creating new rituals, making new friends, and coming out of the shell I'd placed myself into. I've went from being in agonizing pain every day, to having days where I genuinely don't hurt. I've went from sudden and crippling panic attacks to managing it without medication. I've grown my business. I've done so very much with him expanding my 6h. I have more to do, but in a year—after everything I've been through—I am beyond proud of my progress.

And I'm excited and grateful to see what he has to bring to my 7h after May 25.

So if you're a Sagittarius rising, please lean into your Jupiter. Remediate him. Gain his favor. Because the more you work with him, the even luckier you will be. And chances are, you won't ever know it. Just love him—and more importantly yourself—harder.

~NMD

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https://abssolutealchemy.com

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Sleep Token - Alkaline